Never Split the Difference is a gem for anyone looking to develop their communication skills, and for those in business, law, law enforcement, and mental health, it's a must-read. Chris Voss is a veteran FBI negotiator who started as a 'beat cop' and volunteered with the 'Help Line,' a suicide hotline founded by Norman Vincent Peale, author of The Power of Positive Thinking. With help from Tahl Raz, Chris Voss effectively created a manual for navigating negotiations using methods that have saved countless lives. He states that to share these methods, he needed to effectively outline theories that helped describe why these techniques work after years of practical implementation.
With the help of prestigious universities like Harvard, MIT, and others, it became clear that the latest FBI negotiation techniques were effective not only in crisis and emergency response and in nearly every aspect of a person's life. Chris Voss leans on findings by research psychologists Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky. Additionally, he states that the final chapter and the name of his company (Black Swan Group) represent a critical aspect of negotiations and sense-making more broadly; unknown-unknowns (or unknowable-unknowns) and Black Swan Theory, a concept with a long history and, most recently popularized by Nassim Nicholas Taleb.
The main techniques introduced throughout the book are mirroring, labeling, getting to 'no' and 'that's right,' the accusation audit, calibrated questions, bargaining techniques, and mindful techniques for discovering black swans. Chris Voss highlights that effective negotiation is essential to managing emotion during conversation, negotiation, and crisis. Additional fundamental principles include active listening and effectively consolidating information throughout the conversation.
As stated previously, according to Chris Voss and Nassim Nicholas Taleb, discovering black swans is central to sense-making in life more broadly. The name 'Black Swan' comes from a commonly held notion that black swans did not exist until someone observed a black swan first-hand. There are many historical occurrences, from Romans during the 2nd century AD to Britons in the 17th century. In the historical context, something may be deemed impossible or so highly improbable that it is virtually impossible to occur until it happens, at which point a person's understanding must shift entirely. In the case of literal black swans, it is relatively insignificant. Taleb's popularization of the concept came about in his book Fooled by Randomness, published in 2001. For example, many stock traders had an idea of what was likely to occur in the markets in 2001; after 9/11, perspectives worldwide shifted, including those of stock traders. For those who committed the act, 9/11 was no surprise; they had planned and actively pursued it; for most, the event was entirely unexpected. Taleb has written a series of publications dedicated to the topic, statistics more broadly, epistemology, and philosophy. The concept is essential to effectively navigate the world we inhabit, especially societal matters. Chris Voss describes black swans as crucial pieces of information that are often hiding in plain sight. For this reason, trait mindfulness is essential to maintaining open awareness of these valuable details.
Mirroring is an essential tool in many therapeutic approaches, especially those that view a person's internal locus of control of a person as the primary means to resolve negative affect. Isopraxism is the scientific term for mirroring. In negotiations, an individual will repeat the key term or phrase of the preceding sentence in the form of a question (i.e., form of a question?). Coupled with a brief pause, the speaker often elaborates further, sometimes committing what the FBI calls vomiting information.' Labeling is similar but more pointed than mirroring; the negotiator takes the central message of the speaker and uses confirmation phrasing to gauge the accuracy of interpretation. Something like "It sounds like you feel that the situation is dire." or "It seems like you're upset with the circumstances you're facing." When the label is accurate, the speaker often experiences positive affect since they feel understood; when the label is inaccurate, the speaker reflexively corrects the negotiator, which can sometimes lead to valuable information.
Getting to 'no' is an interesting counterintuitive approach. Negotiations are often fraught with intense emotions such as fear, assertiveness bordering aggression, anxiety, excitement, etc. Very often, this is the result of feeling the need to avoid feeling vulnerable. Think of a pushy sales approach where someone continually gets you to agree (the getting-to-yes approach). Getting someone to say 'no' encourages the speaker to feel a sense of control in the conversation. Furthermore, it becomes clear what they don't want out of the situation. Getting to 'that's right' on the other hand, is a good indicator that the negotiator has found what is essential and what the speaker wants out of the situation. Chris Voss describes 'yes' in a conversation as potentially misleading and phony; an emphatic 'that's right' or 'exactly' indicates what the speaker finds is essential.
An accusation audit is front-loaded in a negotiation to diffuse potential insinuations that are likely to arise in a conversation. Stating what the speaker may fear most tends to take the sting out and neutralize the emotion behind the idea. Chris Voss uses the role of a contractor in a business negotiation as an example (i.e., 'you're probably gonna think we're just a big bad greedy contractor out to take out the little guy'). By neutralizing intense emotions early on, the negotiator opens mental bandwidth for both parties to think more freely and with less suspicion or hostility.
The bargaining techniques discussed in the latter portion of the book are invaluable to getting a solid win in any negotiation. Chris Voss breaks down some of the most valuable techniques and their best use in the context of the methods that precede them.
Never Split the Difference contains an essential negotiation toolkit that leverages fundamental principles of psychology and information management. Chris Voss uses a very simple anecdote of a married couple as an example to describe why we should rarely compromise or split the difference.
A husband and wife are getting ready for a dinner party. The husband decides to wear black shoes to the event, but his wife insists that he wear brown shoes. Since they can't choose one way or the other they split the difference; he wears one black and one brown shoe to solve the problem.
The example described is admittedly comical but alludes to the tendency to avoid conflict and fall to the 'least damaging' outcome. In reality, splitting the difference results in neither party getting what they truly want and likely lacking clarity on what each wants out of the situation. Navigating conversations when two parties are at odds is naturally uncomfortable and challenging, but the path of least resistance can be far more limited in the long term. Never Split the Difference encourages readers to actively listen and have difficult conversations that result in a genuine effort to understand what is in the speaker's mind and heart.